Alcohol, Grief, and Growth: Here’s why I went sober
I wasn’t even a heeaaavy drinker the way I’m saying this, lol. (Denial)
But I did have A JOURNEY with alcohol, so let’s talk about it.
I grew up as a very shy and introverted girl, so I didn’t explore or experiment with much until my mom passed away. Like any teenager, I got a little rebellious and started going out more. But even then, I wasn’t drinking.
It wasn’t until my final year in high school that I had my first drink. A group of friends planned a farewell house chill, and I went. I drank “Zorba,” and that was the first time I was ever drunk.
When I came to Windhoek for varsity? That’s when I REALLY explored. Even before my first year started, I spent weekends with my late sister and her friends, partying and just enjoying life, as one does. One of those weekends is why I never drank Richelieu ever again. You know how everyone has that one alcohol they’ll never touch again? Mine is Richelieu—and Skyy Vodka, lmao. No ways.
During my four years at UNAM, I really came out of my shell, socialized, and definitely enjoyed my youth! I would go out every weekend and even skip classes just to hang out. In my defense, I hate the school system—I don’t enjoy learning that way. Luckily, I was studying arts, so I could get away with missing certain things.
My first year went great. And then my dad died. So, OBVIOUSLY, things got worse. I partied even harder to deal with the grief, and my relationship with alcohol became much closer.
2012 passed like a blur, entered 2013 what should have been my final year.
Long story short, my older sister, was due to give birth in March/April, had a c-section in May, became septic, went into a coma, passed in June.
So OBVIOUSLY… I went a little manic. I can’t even retell some stories from that year - because I probably don’t remember, too embarrassing or too traumatic.
I think my relationship with alcohol peaked this year.
Unfortunately, this grief was too hard and too much because she was my best friend- I crashed out. After we buried her, I spent time in Tsumeb before I left for my final semester to finish off my year. I indulged in another destructive bend, I turned 21, tried to prepare for my fouth-year presentations - and then I just fell into a depressive episode. So bad that some days, my friends would come looking for me at my hostel room, and I’d just listen to them knock until they gave up and left.
During this time I decided to drop out, I just couldn’t handle it anymore. Before I dropped out, I had scored an internship as part of my final year modules and that kept me going. Somehow I started to live again. But masking my grief with alcohol continued for the next couple of years.
Reality did however set in when I realised I needed to be a little more responsible as I now had to file for guardianship for my younger siblings, Mitch and Asher, and fight with family over everything.
All of that sobered me up quickly.
I think I’m lucky I don’t have an addictive nature, because it definitely could have gone sideways. Lol. When I stop liking something - I just stop.
In 2020, when the pandemic hit, I was forced to really deal with my shit- the trauma, the grief, everything. It was such a hard year mentally. I retreated into my shell, stopped going out, drank less, and socialised even less.
I’m obviously glossing over a lot here because 2013 was also the year I came up with Monochrome Magazine. Great things happened too. Highs as lows.
Despite the grief, I had some of the best times during my four years at UNAM.
Alcohol was a crutch, I was able to forget and escape.
The next years, drinking started to feel labourious, I’d drink just to feel less awkward in social settings or to make sure I’d have a good time. But then hangovers started to feel worse. Headaches, no energy to participate in life for 3 days straight. While building a company? It just didn’t make sense anymore.
So I drank less and less.
And then eventually December of 2024 (last year), I said actually, why don’t I just stop drinking - I don’t enjoy it anymore, it’s not good for my health, I don’t like how I feel the next day. There are no actual benefits…
So I stopped.
This December I make 12 months sober, the only thing I really miss is the taste of a gin cocktail. Or that first sip (or 5) of a Savanna Dry.
Other than that - I think it has been an easy transition. I wondered if I would keep this for the rest of my life or drink ocassionally. I still don’t know, all I know for now is that I don’t use alcohol as a crutch anymore.
I’m proud of how far I’ve come, despite the cards I was dealt in this life and I hope this story reminds anyone struggling that it’s okay to let go of what no longer serves you.
For now, I’m choosing clarity over escape, and it’s a choice I’m grateful to be able to make every day.
I’m also on a mission to find fun non-alcoholic drinks, gins and maybe wines? Like this lemon bomb drink I stumbled on in Spar. I will share all my favourites soon. :-)
